What is it with kids and talking really, really, really loud? Or is it just my kid? I’m pretty convinced that it’s just my kid. I’m so convinced that my kid is going to be the kid that rally’s up all the other kids at school to do things…which are not always good things…majority of the time it will be bad things that they are doing. It’s like my son has a voice level of 100, and that’s the lowest setting possible.

For example, While shopping in target (it paints a better visual), buying some new makeup brushes, I get the urge to use the restroom, so I park my cart, lift my son out of the wagon and head to the restroom. Meanwhile, my son asks me, “where we going mommy?!” To which I respond “The Bathroom baby.” Can you guess what the next comment was? At level 100 “WHY MOMMY? DO YOU HAVE TO DOODOO??????” To which my response was, with eyes WIDE open staring at him, in my lowest and softest, mean mommy, wtf are you yelling for voice, “noooo, why in the world are you yelling that for?! you don’t have to announce it to the store!”

Example 2: We are very fortunate to have my grandpa still kicking it with us. That makes my son very lucky to have met his only living great grandfather, which is undoubtedly pretty cool. However, in my papa’s old age, he has lost some of his hearing. He however does not think he is losing his hearing, and everyone else just needs to speak up. He is a very proud man. Long story short, he does not wear hearing aids. Let me paint another visual for you. I can hear my papa’s TV blaring FOX News about half way down the street, and I’m sure the rest of the neighborhood can hear it too. Although most of the street is also old, so maybe they don’t hear it, who can tell? No one has complained yet! (fingers crossed). I have to talk louder than the TV AND loud enough for him to hear me, so basically I am yelling, which basically is my normal voice. My son has picked up on this and now yells at the top of his lungs to speak to my papa. “PAPAAAAA!!! COME EAT DINNER WITH ME!” “PAPAAAAA!!! I WANT TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE ON THE TV! CHANGE THE CHANNEL!” “PAPAAAA!!! LOOK AT THE WHALE I MADE WITH MY PLAYDOUGH!” I’m pretty sure he enjoys it because it’s the only time I don’t shoot him a look with my be quiet dagger eyes.

Example 3: It’s pretty rare that we get to spend the day together as a family, yesterday was one of those days. My husband almost always asks me what I want to do, and my response is almost always, nothing. Today, my response was Ross. I want to go to Ross.  So we went to Ross. I figured by my husband being with me, that would mean I get to meander my way through the aisles of cheap things on my day off, carefree. I was wrong of course, actually all was well, but then I went way over his I’ll be a good boy time limit. My son kept yelling to my husband “take me to mommy! I want mommy!”.  It gets better, then my son is clear across the other side of the store waving and yelling “Moooooommmyyy! OOOHHH MOMMMYYYY!!!! Daddy where’s mommy??” There she is, “MOMMY!!! HI MOMMY!!!!” It’s a good thing this kid is cute, because he had all the old ladies swooning.

So to all you moms who go shopping with infants, toddlers, and young children who have the attention span of a puppy, you are not alone. I get it, you will get nothing but encouragement from me. I may laugh and giggle and try to help you calm down your little one but I also have a stash of candy in my bag at all times for those moments when I just have to try on those Michael Kors shoes that are on sale for $60, just in case you need to borrow some. (candy not shoes. I don’t share shoes, that’s weird)