Meltdowns are becoming increasingly common in our household. I’m not entirely sure what the reason is, maybe It’s that time of the month (all month long?), maybe I’m becoming a mom to a threenager. Did you know that was such a thing? A threenager? I had been hearing about it off and on for a few months now and I thought it was such joke. Why would you call your three year old a threenager? Well friends, I’m here to tell you that a threenager IS A THING, and it’s a BEAST.

My son seems to be a month or two ahead of the game, he’s been that way from, well before he was born! He tried to make his grand entrance into the world at 28 weeks, he crawled for a month and went straight to walking at about 10 months, he started speaking in crisp and clear sentences at about 28 months, and the list goes on and brings us to today. He’s negotiating, he’s screaming, he’s giving me rascal looks, he’s telling me to go away and leave him alone, he’s a THREENAGER!

Terrible twos? I thought we were coming out of it! We had gotten his meltdowns and tantrums under control, he was learning to share and speak nicely, he was beginning to sit still and eat his dinner, his food pickiness was under control! If you thought the twos were bad, wait till the threes hit! The three’s are a doozy. I’m losing my mind, slowly but surely my marbles are spilling onto the floor and down the drains. Let me tell you why:

Negotiating:

This conversation is about going to bed:
“Mommy, Can we watch something before we go to sleep?”
“We can read books when we get into bed.”
“Just a little bit?”
“We can read books.”
“Just a tiny bit?”
“We’re going to read books.”
“Are you sure mommy?”
“Yes, we are going to read books.”
“I was thinking mommy, maybe we can watch just 2 minutes?”

This one is about eating a lollipop RIGHT before dinner:
“Mommy, can I have this lollipop?”
“We’re going to eat dinner really soon. It’s almost ready. How about we eat it after dinner?”
“How about just a little bit now?”
“We’re going to eat dinner soon.”
“How about I eat it with dinner mommy? Ok? Ok.”
“No, I said AFTER dinner.”
“NOOOO MOMMY NOT AFTER DINNER! NOW WITH DINNER!”
“AFTER dinner!”
“NOO MOMMY! NOOOOOOOO! I DONT WANNA EAT DINNER.”
“Fine, but you won’t eat the lollipop either.”
“AHHHHHHH!!!”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! This is a daily conversation with my ALMOST 3 year old. I try my best to keep my cool and not lose my mind by either laughing hysterically or screaming like a psycho. I try to calmly talk to him but it’s no use! This conversation is usually followed by an epic meltdown…in case you were wondering.

Screaming:

“I WANT MY DADDDDDYYYY!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHH.” *ear piercing scream
“NOOOOOO MOMMY I DON’T WANT TO USE THE TOOOIILEEETTTTT!”
“NOOOOOOOO MOMMY DON’T CUT THE CHICKEN LIKE THAT MOMMY! I WANT IT DIFFERENT!!!!!”
“MOMMY! I WANT TO USE GRANDMA’S IPAD NOOOOOWWWWWWW!”
“I NEED IT MOMMY! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!”
These are just various things that my son yells during his super awesomely epic meltdowns. I would video tape them but, that’s cruelty on some level I guess. I just want proof for when he’s older you know? To make sure he knows that he put me through multiple levels of craziness…on a daily basis.

Tantrums:

These are tantrums of epic proportions. If you’re a mom you’ll probably remember this.  Do you remember being a preteen? teenager? Do you remember when your mom was the gate keeper and everything had to go through her? Do you remember what you did when you didn’t get your way? Lock yourself in your room? Cry and scream into your pillow? Tell your mom to leave you alone? Ask someone else that you knew would give you what you want? No? You don’t remember? Well, I REMEMBER. And looking back, I was kind a turd. I also know that I am paying for it now because my son has a determination like a bull and will push and push and push until he is completely distracted and has forgotten what he was crying about, or gets what he wants (which is usually what he gets…but not from me!) These are some of the things he says:
“No mommy go to work I don’t want you here.”
“No mommy, stop looking at me.”
“No mommy stop talking to me.”
Kicking, Screaming, flopping, throwing, more screaming, tears, louder screaming, coughing, break my ear drum screaming.

So here we are with our almost three year old who wants to eat all the lollipops with his meatloaf, play in the sprinklers in the rain on his trampoline, run marathons immediately after eating, not go to school and then not want to leave, and sleep in a “house” made of pillows because it’s cold. I tell myself he’s pushing the limits and testing us, by the way we’re probably failing.  I tell myself that he doesn’t understand that he’s teetering on the fine line between crazy kid and psycho kid.  I tell myself he doesn’t get that he hurts my feelings when he tells me to go away.  I tell myself that he will grow out of it like everything else and to keep it together!

How do I cope REALLY though? Well, I have honed my skill for tuning out the screaming so well that It’s almost instinctual to think about my next meal during the screaming episodes, I lock myself in the bathroom to zone out on IG and FB, and I watch countless episodes of the Kardashians because they’re crazier and make me feel better about my life. Le sigh, please tell me I’m not alone in this! Have you dealt with a threenager? How did you cope? How did you survive without losing your mind!?